Author's Note: When we did our stream of consciousness, I thought of a neighborhood invading nature, and nature unable to fight back. This came from riding my bike around the neighborhood, watching the heavy machines repave the roads and thought how we are the invasive species in nature. Normally, I'm not an "eco-nut", so I don’t know why this new part of me shows and if I'll continue to look at nature in this way. I'm not saying I'm going to suddenly join the Riverkeepers , but maybe I'll recycle once in a while now. I put this into a poem to work on an extended metaphor.
The trees,
The soldiers,
Fighting a losing battle.
The heavy machines,
Are tanks,
Dominating the war.
The soldiers,
Shot,
Bleed:
Red, yellow, orange.
The heavy machines,
The tanks,
Are parasites:
Invading, killing, enslaving.
The soldiers are destroyed,
Or enslaved.
The prisoners - caged,
Put on a leash.
The rebels,
The free-thinkers,
Cut down,
Before their ideas take root.
Their ideas,
Murdered, smashed, dashed,
On the concrete.
This was a great ironic poem and it is absolutely true. Some parts seemed to repetitive. Maybe try some more reviewing.
ReplyDeleteThis poem was very well thought out and used great extended metaphors. Consider possibly using a pattern throughout the stanzas.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the repetition, it gave the piece a flow. Also your extended use of symbols was exemplary. I'd like to give you some constructive criticism, but this piece is too well written.
ReplyDeleteThis poem incorporates a good use of extended metaphors, and has a great ironic feel to it. It is completely true, also. I agree with Alyssa, I definitely think you should try setting a pattern, or a more fluent flow throughout the stanzas. I like your repetition, and think you should continue to use that in your future poems.
ReplyDeleteThis poem was very interesting, you did a good job doing an extended metaphor. Your author's note definitely clarified it for me, if it hadn't been there I would have been confused. You should continue to add to this poem because it kind of ended suddenly. Cool poem, it was fun to read.
ReplyDeleteI think the point you were trying to get across came across very well and I like how you used the metaphor. The 3rd and 4th stanzas confused me a little, but the rest was very good. nice job!
ReplyDeleteThat really was an amazing poem, but at the beginning I didn't really understand it. Then I understood that you are comparing losing a battle of people into a battle of nature vs. man. Very interesting way to write a poem.
ReplyDeleteThis was a great poem, and I think the metaphor you used was really cool. The repetition was great, and like Matt said it has a very ironic feel to it. Like some of the others have said, you may want to add more of a pattern throughout the stanzas, but otherwise, great poem.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you didn't just take a neighborhood as it was, but made more of an in-depth metaphor of it, very neat. Thank you for putting an Author's Note on this too, because I think your author's note really clarified it for me. Great job.
ReplyDelete